The Demon Within
by Eirian
Summary: Xander's got a personal problem of the demonic variety. Set in LA. Eventually, this will contain SLASH. *CHAPTER 6 UPLOADED*learn what the PAIRING is!*
1. The Harris Curse Revealed Sorta

WARNING!: This fic, on the whole, deals with homosexual tendencies/behaviors, and will have a homosexual pairing. In other words, **SLASH** ahead. If this offends you, I'm sorry, but don't complain to me about it, 'cause you shoulda read the warning and turned back. 

A/N: Thanks so much to my beta, Dora -- she was a HUGE help! 

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Xander learns something from his mother that freaks him out, and he leaves Sunnydale for LA, running to his ex-girlfriend/now-friend Cordelia Chase with his problem. When he tells her what's wrong, Cordelia convinces a reluctant Xander to tell Wesley about it. Xander and Wesley are sitting in Wes's office in the hotel.

Xander fidgeted with his hands, staring down at his lap. Wesley waited patiently for Xander to begin. Finally, Xander looked at him balefully and said, "Cordelia says you've changed. Since Sunnydale." Xander obviously didn't believe it.

Wesley nodded. "Yes," he replied. He understood that Xander wouldn't open up to him if the boy thought he was the same prick he had been in Sunnydale. "I'm not as... uptight as I was in Sunnydale." He sighed, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his desk. He noticed Xander watching him intently. "When I came to Sunnydale, I was young, and I was very arrogant. After all, I was to be in charge of not one, but _two_ Slayers. It is every Watcher's dream to be _the_ Watcher in charge of a Slayer. I won't get into the particulars, but suffice it to say, I had no hope of mentoring a Slayer, for many years, if ever. There were... other motivations as well, to make me act as I did, toward Buffy and Faith, as well as you and the other 'Slayerettes'. I'm not trying to condone my actions, by any means, but merely trying to explain why I acted as I did. Since then, I have been fired from the Watchers' Council, and have learned that there is more to being a strong person than merely being in charge and being right about everything."

Xander's eyebrows rose at that. "Wow. You sound like a real grown-up." Wesley gave him a bare smile at that, and Xander said softly, "You sound like Giles. And believe me, that's a big compliment. Especially coming from me."

Wesley nodded. "Thank you, then. Now. Do you feel comfortable enough to tell me what's going on?"

Xander sighed heavily, wiping his hand down his face wearily. He began to speak slowly, softly. "There's this... weird thing in my mother's family, where they have a tendency to only produce females. And lots of females. I have a large number of aunts and great-aunts on my mother's side. My mother hated all the traditions her family had, so she started rebelling against them. One of her rebellions was marrying my dad -- her family is _very_ liberal, and they didn't condone official marriages. They believed in the whole, what's-it-called -- common law marriages, where you live together as a couple for seven years, and then by common law, you're married." Wesley nodded, having heard of the law before. "Well, my mother and father got married in a church, to spite her family. Another one of her rebellions was me." He took a deep breath, exhaling explosively before continuing. "When I was born, I wasn't... technically a boy." He stared at his hands at this point, unable to even look in Wesley's direction. "I was born with this disorder thing. I had the... genitalia of a male and female. Pseudo-hermaphrodite, the doctor-guys call it. Well, the doctor consulted my parents over it, and he explained that my level of testosterone was higher than the level of estrogen, so I would grow up looking more masculine than feminine. This, coupled with my mom's wanting to rebel against her feminist family, made them decide to have me surgically changed into a boy."

Wesley waited for Xander to continue, but after a long moment, he began to realize that Xander had paused for too long, and couldn't make himself start again. "That actually isn't that unusual an occurrence, Xander. And the majority of children born like that do become male -- whether because they are more likely to become masculine, or merely because the parents would rather have a boy... or because they feel a boy will have more opportunities in life than a girl."

Xander nodded, then shook his head in disbelief. He finally looked up and gave Wesley a self-conscious half-smile. "Thanks. I didn't actually have a problem with it until... well, here." He reached into the bookbag he'd set down beside his chair and pulled out an old book that looked more like Giles than Xander. "My mother gave this to me, a while ago. She told me it's been handed down through the generations of her family for ages. She'd never read it, since it had been given to her after she was married anyway -- she seemed to think it was a 'how to catch men' book. She only gave it to me because it was tradition, and she's past the rebellion stage now. Plus, I think she's wanting grandchildren, and it was a sort of, 'give this to your kids when you have them.'" He shook his head again. He seemed about to say more, but simply shook his head again and handed the book over to Wesley.

Intrigued, Wesley opened the book and began to skim the first page. What he read, however, made him stop quickly. He looked up to stare at Xander in horrified fascination.

Xander nodded resignedly. "Yeah. There's a _reason_ her family only produced girls. I'm a freakin' demon!"

Wesley shook his head. He wanted to allay the young man's fears, but... he was afraid he couldn't; at least not entirely. He had so many questions for Xander, and he had no idea where to start. He eventually decided to start with the most obvious. "Xander. Why didn't you go to Mr. Giles with this? I'm sure he would have helped you deal with this."

Xander gave a short bark of laughter that sounded rather cynical for him. "Yeah, I'm sure he would have. Amid all the 'dear lords' and 'I'm so sorry, Xander's." He looked down briefly. "The truth is, I couldn't tell any of my friends in Sunnydale because they _are_ my friends. They know me too well. They may have good intentions, but... they don't always handle things the way they should be handled. I mean, you know Buffy -- she's too emotional. They'll try to comfort me, and deal with my emotions during this. And the way I deal with my emotions is to deal with the problem. Learn the facts, figure out exactly what's happening to me."

Wesley nodded. "Emotional repression. A very masculine reaction to any disturbing occurrence."

Xander smiled wryly and retorted, "Using big words. A very British reaction to any disturbing occurrence."

Wesley bowed his head in admittance. "Touché. So, you came to Cordelia, because... ? She is a woman, Xander, and prone to sympathy. I thought you, of all people, would realize that."

"Oh, I do, believe me. But I also know her mind works like mine. She's tough. She doesn't talk about her feelings -- I know she has them in great abundance, but -- she takes action. She kicks butt and _then_ she cries about it. And how much macho bullshit can I come up with?"

Wesley shook his head as a smile tugged at his lips. No matter what sort of trial Xander was going through, he was still Xander. "Alright, Xander. Let me read over this, and then perhaps we'll do some research on it. I'm assuming you'll help research it, since it is your condition?"

Xander nodded. "I'm not actually as opposed to researching as it might seem. I'm just... not very good with the reading." He looked down, then shrugged. "Hell, you know all this about me, I might as well tell you this, too. I'm somewhat dyslexic. Not too bad, but enough that looking at all those old books with weird spellings for words confuses me."

Wesley nodded. "Well, then when we research, you can look on the internet -- at least if they misspell something, you'll recognize it more easily."

Xander nodded, standing up after picking up his bookbag. He was about to turn and head for the door, when he paused, looking down at his shoes. He looked at Wesley with an earnest expression on his face and said plainly, "Thank you. For this. For helping me." It was clear from his gaze that he was being as sincere as possible, and when he held out his hand, Wesley didn't hesitate in shaking it. "You're quite welcome, Xander. Fighting demons is quite exhilarating, but, I must say... I've missed using my Watcher skills to help someone." He waited for Xander to make some wisecrack about that, and it seemed like he was thinking about it, but he eventually just nodded and gave Wesley's hand one last shake before releasing it, then exited the room.

Wesley watched him leave. This ordeal was obviously making Xander think about a great many things, and it was forcing the young man to mature more than he already had.

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_**Next chapter: Find out exactly what demon Xander turns into... and how this is going to affect his life!**_

Please review and tell me what you think! Or if you'd rather write to me privately, my e-mail address is sailor_silver_fox@hotmail.com.


	2. Explanations

Author's notes: Huge thanks to my beta, Dora -- in places, I took her words verbatim. She really helped the story along (and my confidence in posting it).

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Warning!: This part deals with Xander's 'problem'. Why am I putting this in the warning? Because Xander's problem is one of a homosexual nature. If that offends you, please don't read this. If you do decide to read this, please don't flame me

Also, Teri pointed out something I meant to put in the notes, but forgot. This is set during S5/S2 of Buffy/Angel respectively. Xander's 20th birthday is... well, within the month, which is why he's kinda frantic about the whole thing. Thank you so much for pointing that out, Teri!

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Angel had reluctantly agreed to let Xander stay at the hotel while he was in LA. That didn't mean they were particularly comfortable with the situation, however.

Xander and Angel sat on either end of the sofa in the antechamber of the office in the Hyperion hotel, with Cordelia seated between them, feeling rather like a mediator between two warring countries. Xander and Angel had gotten along much better than they ever had in Sunnydale, but they were still rather uncomfortable around each other, and this came out as definite hostility.

Wesley stood in front of them, looking very much like the Watcher he once was -- only less uptight and starched than before, wearing casual slacks and a button down shirt with the first button undone. Other than that, he could have been a mini-Giles.

"Xander has told us all he knows about his circumstances and the history of his mother's family," Wesley was saying to them all. "I have read through the book he was given, and have reached some rather interesting conclusions."

Xander couldn't help it; he spoke up, "Please don't call it 'interesting' -- this is my life, here, Wes. I'm finding it rather frightening." Though he said it flippantly, Wesley knew that he was very serious. He'd seen Xander pacing with pent-up energy in the hall outside his room more than once.

"I'm sorry Xander, you're quite right. The book your mother gave you essentially _was_ a 'how to get men' book. But it's more than that. If your mother had read the book, she would not have allowed you to... become male. I'm sure she never told any of her relatives about your condition when you were born, did she?" Xander shook his head. "She never really talked about it, but from what I could tell... she was sorta upset about it."

Wesley nodded. "As well she would be, if she'd heard anything her parents doubtless tried to teach her. She probably thought that if you became male, then the contents of this book," he held up the book for emphasis, "would become obsolete."

"Wes!" Cordelia finally interrupted. "You're waxing mysterious. Just tell us what the hell's going on with Xander."

Wesley paused, then nodded. "Very well. Basically, when Xander turns twenty-one, he will become a succubus."

Angel frowned at that, sitting up a little from his slouched position on the couch. "Don't... don't you mean an incubus?" Wesley shook his head.

"What's the difference?" Cordelia asked, turning from Angel to Wesley questioningly.

"The difference is," Xander's muffled voice said, from where he'd buried it in his hands, "incubus is the male demon, and succubus is the female." He looked up at Wesley starkly. "That's why they always have girls, isn't it?"

Wesley nodded. "And one of the signs that a child would become a succubus would be it's being born hermaphroditic. Your mother most likely knew this, as I said, and thought that if you were to become male, then you couldn't be a succubus."

Cordelia raised her hand. "Okay, I'm a total layperson here. What's a succubus, exactly?"

Wesley sighed as he thought how best to explain. "Well, a succubus is a female demon. Humans find them extremely attractive. I'm not quite sure why -- an inborn glamour perhaps, or pheromones released by it. You see, a succubus is very much like a vampire, except instead of blood, they need... sex."

Cordelia frowned. After a moment, she said, "Whoa. Okay, eww." She suddenly turned to Xander and said, "See, I knew there was a reason you always wanted to have sex!"

Xander shook his head. "I told you, Cordy, I'm a guy - staring at linoleum makes me think about sex. And I'm not the only one, either."

"He's right," Angel said, nodding. Reluctantly, Wesley also nodded. Cordelia shook her head in disgust. "I can't believe you guys."

"Now, wait," Xander said, getting back on-track. "These succubuses--"

"Succubi," Wesley corrected him.

Xander shrugged this off as unimportant. "These succubi need to have sex with men. So...?" Xander didn't dare voice the question, but it was plain from the look on his face what he was asking.

Wesley sighed. "Well, as I said, I don't really know for sure _how_ a succubus enthralls men, be it through secreted hormones, or a form of magic that makes them appear to every man as his 'ideal' woman. But whatever they do... you will have the same ability. And yes, it will be directed toward men." He rested against the desk behind him, leaning down slightly to be more eye-to-eye with Xander as he explained this. "Nothing like this has ever been documented before, Xander. Your mother made a very grave mistake when you were born. It very well could prove fatal to you, depending on how the demon manifests itself."

Xander took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. He tried to smile, but only partially succeeded. "Hey. I'm a Scooby -- I've looked death in the eye lotsa times."

It was Angel who responded. He spoke softly, and didn't even look toward Xander as he spoke. "Yes, you have. But that was during a fight, when you knew you had to do anything to stop whatever evil thing from winning. This is different. Self-preservation is a strong thing. You'll do things to survive that under normal circumstances you'd never dream of."

"Like drink people's blood?" Xander asked, only a little of the old hostility in his voice.

Angel's soulful eyes finally rose and met Xander's, and Xander suddenly realized that Angel was talking about something horrible. His eyes were bleak with remembered pain, and he almost whispered, "Like eat rats. Yes, like drink people's blood -- all the while feeling guilty about it. All the while trying to justify yourself to your soul. He was a rapist. She was a murderer. All the while knowing that none of that matters, because you're still doing something wrong. And you'll continue to do it so that you can survive."

Xander shivered involuntarily. Almost desperately, he turned to face Wesley. "There's gotta be something else, Wes. Come on."

Wesley pressed a finger thoughtfully against his lips. After a moment, he said, "I don't have the resources I need. But I have a friend in England who owes me a favor, I'll call it in and have him send me some books. Perhaps find out just what would happen in a normal case of this kind." His eyes focused on Xander, and he cautioned, "Whatever I find out, Xander, I still won't be able to tell you just what will happen to you when the demon manifests itself. But I will be able to hypothesize, perhaps take some of the surprise out of the transformation."

Xander nodded. "Every little bit helps here, Wes."

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Next Chapter: We find out exactly what is going to happen to Xander... and Xander-angst! Not that I like to see Xander suffer... oh, who am I kidding? A little angst is healthy... right? Anyway, Wesley gives his thoughts and theories about Xander's 'condition', and Xander freaks out a couple of times. I know, it doesn't sound very exciting, but... I'm building it up to a climax (whoa, no pun intended, I swear!).

Tell me what you thought! I live off feedback (literally). Or, if you'd rather tell me what you think in private, my e-mail is sailor_silver_fox@hotmail.com.


	3. Demonic Aspect

**Warning!:** This story contains **slash**, as in a relationship between two men. There's no relationship yet, BUT, this chapter deals almost exclusively with the **nature of homosexual behavior**. Nothing your (liberal) mother couldn't read, it's pretty general... but also pretty personal. If this bothers/squicks you... I'm surprised you made it this far. Don't flame me, I ain't takin' the story down. The most I'll do is ignore you. 

**A/N:**Don't you love warnings? ^_~ Thanks, once again, to my beta Dora. Thanks to everyone who _reviewed_! You make my day -- and that's almost literal. Without you guys, posting this wouldn't be nearly as much fun! So, on that note - keep 'em comin', and I'll do my best to do the same! 

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Xander has called his friends in Sunnydale and told them he will be staying indefinitely in LA, and to not worry about him, he will come back as soon as he can, and he misses them greatly. Meanwhile, Wesley has gotten the books he wanted from his friend in England and has been poring over them, while Xander occupies himself by looking through internet sites. Once again, a meeting has been called for Wesley to share his findings.

"Alright, Xander. According to everything I have found, on your twentieth birthday, your aura will begin to change. This is in preparation for your transformation in a year, on your twenty-first birthday."

"Transformation?" Xander asked slowly. "Does that mean... I'll turn into a girl?"

Wesley sighed. "No, you'll still be male. I suppose I should have said manifestation. When you turn twenty-one, the demonic aspect will be in full possession."

"Oh, _there_ are words I like!" Xander said caustically. "'Demonic aspect'! 'Possession'!"

"Xander!" Wesley cried. The boy was almost hysterical. "Look. I know this is a very trying experience."

"No, Wes, you don't! You don't understand what this is like for me, okay? You don't. I have always been the normal one, the _Zeppo_. Now I'm a demon! I am a heterosexual male, but you're telling me that in just -- I mean _just_ -- over a year, I'm gonna have to have sex with another guy!"

Wesley seemed about to say something, but then thought better of it. When he finally did speak, he kept his voice low and non-threatening. "Perhaps we should hold this off until tomorrow."

Xander took a deep breath. "No. No. Just... just give me a little while. I'll be fine. Sorry I blew up at ya, Wes." Xander left the room, already introspective. Cordelia was about to follow him, but Angel grabbed her arm. When she turned to look at him, he simply shook his head. "Let him have some time alone. He needs to come to grips with this himself. You won't be able to help him." Cordelia watched Angel's face for a moment more, then she retook her seat on the couch.

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Xander came back a little over an hour later. Cordelia had gone out and gotten some hamburgers, on which she was happily munching. When Xander entered the room, she silently offered him the brown paper bag with the rest of the hamburgers, which he took. Cordelia watched as he sat down -- he seemed to be okay now, but she noticed he very deliberately sat far enough away from her that she wouldn't accidentally brush against him. Xander had always been somewhat shy about physical contact, but it had been quite a while since he'd been bothered by her touch.

Wesley finished his own sandwich, wiped his face and hands on a napkin, and resumed his 'lecture' mode. "Shall we continue?" The question appeared to be addressed to all three of them, but Wesley waited until Xander nodded. "Hit me," he said, a grim smile on his face.

"Well. First of all, I should apologize. I should have realized that the words I had chosen to explain the situation weren't the most comforting. They were accurate, but I could have explained it better. So, I'll try again.

"First of all, the words you had trouble with -- 'demonic aspect' and 'possession'. When I say possession, I don't mean Linda Blair in _The Exorcist_."

"You know that movie?" Cordelia asked.

Wesley looked at her. "Of course. It's based on a true case study of possession in--"

"Could we get back on topic? Please?" Xander interrupted.

Wesley nodded. "Of course. When I said possession, I meant _you_ would possess the full aspect."

"Maybe it'd make more sense if you told us what you mean by 'demonic aspect,'" Angel suggested.

"Yes. In this instance, the aspect of the demon consists of several non-human qualities -- all of them psychic, not physical," he assured Xander. "On the outside, you will appear to be an ordinary young man. When you turn twenty, your aura will begin to change. Most people can't actually _see_ auras, but they subconsciously respond to them. Someone with a sickly aura, people will unconsciously avoid, while someone with a vibrant aura, people will clamor to be near. The aura is actually what someone senses when they say they get a 'feeling' about someone.

"Your aura will change, to attract a certain type of person."

"Men," Xander said glumly.

"Actually, I'm not sure," Wesley confessed. "Since we are talking about attracting the same sex, I'm not sure if you will attract _all_ men, just men who have a preference for the same sex, or... any man who's ever considered such a preference." He sighed. "We'll just have to wait and see. But whatever it is, that specific type of person will want to be with you. You might call it 'animal magnetism', if you wish.

"Another part of the aspect is that... supposedly, you will..." Wesley grimaced. "Gain grace. You should become more fluid in your movements. Your aura will only attract certain persons to you -- it's the succubus' job to want them to sleep with her."

"Wait -- wait, wait," Cordelia called out, holding up a hand to stop him. "Are you saying... Xander's gonna become sexy?" Xander looked at her with a somewhat hurt look on his face. Cordelia smiled sweetly at him and said, "Xander, I love you, but you know you're goofy. You've worked hard hours on it."

Xander crossed his arms sulkily and slouched down on the couch. "I can be sexy if I want to," he muttered to himself. Cordelia rolled her eyes at that.

Wesley cleared his throat, trying to get back on topic. "As I've said, these are all just hypotheses, based on what females go through before becoming succubi."

Cordelia frowned in confusion. "Well, wouldn't it work the same if you found out what the other ones go through? The male demon, incubus?" She looked at Wesley questioningly.

Wesley blinked a few times at her, before opening his mouth, paused, cleared his throat, and said, "Yes, well... uh, I suppose that might help us, yes. Thank you, Cordelia." Wesley looked distinctly uncomfortable that he hadn't thought of that. Cordelia didn't notice his discomfort, too pleased with herself for having a good idea to help Xander out.

Wesley cleared his throat again, trying to save face. "While that is a good idea, the fact remains that Xander will be turning into a succubus, and as such, we need to focus on their way of life."

Cordelia snorted at that. "Way of life? They sound like a bunch of nymphomaniacs to me." She frowned when Xander glared at her for this flippancy.

"I'm afraid it's much more serious than just wanting--needing-- to have sex quite often," Wesley said, his tone growing serious enough that both teenagers sat up straighter. Wesley looked at Xander and said somewhat consolingly, "Now, I'm going to explain just what happens to a succubus. I want you to be prepared."

Xander took a deep breath, then nodded. "I'm good."

Wesley nodded. "Alright, then. From what I've learned, a succubus can survive for up to two weeks without sexual intercourse. However, that would be like a human surviving without water -- once they start to become deprived, they become desperate. I haven't found any substantial evidence of this, but... it's quite possible that they will resort to drastic measures to get their--their 'fix' of sex."

Xander closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking at Wesley and stating, "They'd rape someone."

Looking into the young man's eyes, Wesley hesitated briefly before nodding. He hated laying all this on Xander's shoulders, but he would rather frighten Xander with his words than send the boy out into the world unprepared, and have Xander frighten himself with his actions.

Angel, sitting silently off to the side, was frowning. If Xander was a male, but was going to turn into a succubus... would his sexual preferences change? Would he essentially adopt a woman's taste in sexual partners? And if so... how exactly does a woman rape someone? He was about to ask Wesley... but saw the tenuous grasp Xander had on his cool, and decided to wait until later, perhaps ask Wesley in private.

"Well," Wesley said, with an air of forced calm, "those are extreme circumstances. Succubi rarely have to resort to drastic measures, because they usually have their choice of any man around. From what I've read, a truly adept succubus can almost put a man in a thrall, making him disregard his friends, his family -- even his wife, almost without a second thought.

"Succubi seem to have a penchant for... well, they seem to possess sadistic tendencies. But this appears to coincide with our earlier analogy that succubi are like vampires. Vampires are demons, but they have essentially the same personality as their human host, but without its inhibitions. Succubi are the same, but again, in regards to anything sexual. There is no taboo for the succubi, and any inclination they have is acted upon. There are a great many people who have sadistic tendencies, but never act on them, because they are afraid of what society would think." Wesley had gotten fully into his explanation by this point, and seemed to start to forget that he was talking about something personal, instead of just research he had done on yet another demon.

"Now, on a regular night, the succubus will most likely head to a bar or club, since this is where gentlemen are likely to go to pick up a young woman for the night. The succubus is a confident creature, which helps to attract men. I haven't found anything that tells how she makes her selection, but at some point she chooses a man and takes him to her home. Since she needs sexual intercourse, she doesn't waste much time in, er, getting him into her bed. Her zealousness usually causes the man to orgasm quickly, which isn't good for the man. The succubus apparently needs intercourse to last... I'm not sure how long, but usually longer than it does with a human male. If the succubus isn't satisfied, she quite often becomes abusive to the man, belittling him and his performance--"

"Stop!" Xander cried. His face was a pasty white, his eyes were larger than usual, and his hand was trembling slightly as he wiped it over his mouth. Not quite looking at anyone, he stood up and said, "I, uh... I gotta go..." He left the office, the three other occupants watching him leave with varying degrees of worry.

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	4. Promised Myself

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Disclaimer: The characters portrayed and/or mentioned in the following story do not belong to me; they belong to Joss Whedon, who created them, Mutant Enemy, and any of their affiliates. I **do** own the story idea that Xander is a succubus - if you don't believe me, I can tell you just where I got the idea. It's actually a rather interesting story...

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Warning: This story, on the whole, contains **slash** - and this chapter should give you a good indication of the pairing. ^_~

A/N: This is a direct continuation of where the last chapter left off. For any of you who, like me, were getting fed up with the little summaries before the story actually began - I am breaking away from those. Hopefully, I won't feel the need to use them again.

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Oh, God. This-- this wasn't happening. This _so_ wasn't happening. Xander kept repeating this to himself as he paced aimlessly around the large hotel. He'd made it upstairs, and was now pacing along a corridor in front of the vacant rooms.

How was he going to be able to face them, explain to them what the big deal was? Maybe he wouldn't have to. Maybe they'd just think it was because he was a nice guy, who couldn't imagine doing something like that to another person.

No. Cordelia was in there, and she knew enough about him to know it was more serious. For the first time since coming to her for help, Xander was having serious second thoughts. She didn't know him as well as Willow, or even Buffy did, but she knew him well enough. He shouldn't have come. This was the hugest mistake he'd made in a long time.

Somewhere in Xander's mind, he knew that he was panicking, and probably overreacting, but at the moment, he didn't really care. What was he going to _do_?

"Are you going to pace all day?"

The voice really shouldn't have surprised Xander -- he knew Angel had a penchant for sneaking up on people, but combined with everything else, Xander didn't know if his heart could take any more surprises. He spun around to face Angel, suddenly angry. None of this was Angel's fault, but he knew Angel could take his anger, and it beat having the vampire see him completely wigging out. "You know, maybe I will! Is that a problem? I'd hate to do anything to offend you -- I'm just having a minor _crisis_, nothing to upset you about."

Angel lowered his head and crossed his arms over his chest, suddenly looking much more intimidating. The part of Xander that wasn't worried he'd seriously pissed the vampire off wondered if he practiced that in front of the mirror -- and then he realized, no, that would be kind of pointless, him being a vampire and all.

"Xander," Angel said darkly, in just the right tone of voice that had Xander jumping to attention like an errant child. "Yeah?" he asked, kicking himself for letting Angel get that response out of him.

"Talk," the vampire said simply, in the same tone of voice.

Xander glared at him. "You're not the boss of me!" Even before Angel raised an eyebrow at that response, Xander was berating himself. What was he, a four-year-old? He sighed and said wearily, "Look, Deadboy -- I don't wanna talk about it. It's... it's nothing."

"It's something, Harris -- either you explain it to me, or we go back downstairs and you explain it to all of us." The look on Angel's face told Xander he was very willing to drag Xander downstairs to do just that.

Xander ducked his head, suddenly shy of Angel's gaze. The look he was getting was too piercing, and Xander was almost... afraid of what he'd see when he told Angel what was wrong. "I promised..." his throat contracted, and he had to clear it before continuing, "I promised myself I would never become like that. Yelling at someone, telling them how horrible they are, that I'm disgusted with them... I can't become that. I can't," he repeated, looking up at Angel with large, desperate eyes. Angel was forcibly reminded that no matter what Xander had done, no matter what Hellmouthy thing he'd lived through, he was still a young man -- still a teenager, and somewhere inside him, just below the surface, was a frightened child.

Apprehensive of what his answer would be, Angel asked softly, "Why?"

Xander gave a sharp laugh, his face looking anything but humorous as he smiled and said, "I grew up with that." He'd told Angel this much, he might as well tell it all, right? He continued with an air of forced nonchalance, "Oh, it mostly wasn't directed at me. My mom got the brunt of it, and she could give as good as she got. Actually, they ignored me, for the most part. I was thankful for that small mercy. I'd rather be ignored than yelled at."

Angel was thinking quickly. While Xander had been talking, a sudden idea had come to him. But he didn't know how well it would work, if at all. There were so many things that could go wrong with it -- not the least of which was Xander's refusing to even try it. He looked up at Xander and said, "I think... I've got an idea. But I need to talk to Wes about it." He didn't miss the quick flash of hope on Xander's face before he buried the emotion. "Do you think it'll help?"

Angel hesitated. "I think... I think it's the best thing we've got, right now." Before Xander could say anything else, Angel pivoted and walked back to the stairway.

Xander felt funny. Angel was helping him. He tried to tell himself it was just some sense of honor, helping a friend of Cordelia's... a friend of Buffy's... but that didn't stop him from marveling at the fact that Angel'd said 'we' in his last sentence. And then Xander realized that he wasn't panicking anymore. He was still worried, but... somewhere along the way, without his knowing it, he'd begun to trust Angel. He hoped it wasn't misplaced.

* * *

**__**

Next chapter: Cordy and Xander talk, and Xander learns just what Angel's idea was.

Please, tell me what you thought! Like it? Hate it? I love it when people review! If I didn't want reviews, I wouldn't post here.


	5. Sexual Orientation

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Credits: There is a little piece of info in here concerning hyenas. I got this tidbit from **_Kinetic_**, a Xander/Angel slash site. I'd give you the link, but it always shows up blank when I upload the page.

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Spoilers: The highschool years (i.e. Season 1-3), and especially **The Pack**. If you've never seen this episode -- I pity you, really. But there are _huge_ spoilers for it in the second half of this fic. Also, some spoilers for **Phases**, because I mention Larry, and some stuff he confided to Xander about. Oh, and Angel Season 1 vague spoilers, for some mentions of Doyle, and things he did/said around Cordelia.

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Author's Notes: Thanks go out to my extra-special, inspiring beta, dora! Go read her Spike/Anya fic, or her Giles/Anya fic, they're awesome! If it hadn't been for her wonderful constructive critiquing, I wouldn't be posting this now. She also gave me the idea for the next chapter, which should be pretty funny, with a dash of angst. So _thank you_ dora!

No real warnings for this chapter -- if you've read the other 4 chapters, this one's pretty tame, though there is talk about sexual orientation -- but nothing any more risqué than on _Buffy_. Wesley and Angel have both had one-on-ones with Xander, now it's Cordelia's turn.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Xander was walking at a leisurely pace down the grand staircase, his hair still slightly damp from the refreshing (and somewhat relaxing) shower he'd just taken. Looking around, he only saw Cordelia, sitting behind the register counter, watching the phone and door. "Hey," he called, trying his best to be casual.

Cordelia eyed him slightly appraisingly for a moment before smiling and returning, "Hey, yourself. Feeling clean now?"

Xander fell back into his role and smiled lopsidedly. "You know me too well, Cor. So," he started, hopping onto the waist-high counter, "where is everyone?"

Cordelia shrugged. "Angel came down here, threw me out of Wes's office, they talked for a while, and then they came out and left. Angel yelled at me that I should watch the phone. We haven't had a client in weeks!" Suddenly, she turned to look up at Xander thoughtfully. "Hey, we're helping you with your demon-y problem..."

"No," Xander said, recognizing the gleam in Cordelia's eyes. "I'm poor. I have no money. You have to have a job to have any kind of money."

Cordelia glared at him. "I have a job, and _I_ don't have any money! Well, I have some, but not enough to go out and buy things."

Xander didn't know how to respond to that, so he stayed silent. Both of them sat thinking for a while in companionable silence.

"I don't think it'll be as bad as you think." Cordelia's softly spoken words made Xander twist around to look at her. "What makes you say that?"

Cordelia shrugged. "Well, I knew a guy who was half-demon. I didn't actually _know_ about it until just before... he left, but still. He didn't know he had demon in him, and it took him totally by surprise. But he was a nice guy. He kinda reminded me of you, actually. Wise-guy, kinda cowardly, but... he was a hero when it counted. And, aside from the whole, 'sexual orientation' thing, I don't think this demon thing's gonna totally change your life."

Xander digested what she said, then nodded. "Thanks, Cordy."

Cordelia nodded seriously. After a pause, she spoke blithely, "And the whole 'sexual orientation' - it's not like you ever had that pegged, anyway."

Xander, tired of twisting around, lifted his feet onto the counter and sat looking at her sideways. "What do you mean, I didn't have it pegged?"

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Xander, Larry was more of a man than you are, most of the time. And _Larry_ was gay. What do you think that says about you?"

"I think it says I overestimated your opinion of me -- which is surprising, because I never thought it was that high in the first place."

Cordelia huffed in frustration. "Xander, you're a guy. You said it yourself - everything makes you think about sex. Don't tell me you've never thought _those_ thoughts about another guy."

Xander glanced away from her uncomfortably. Sighing, Cordelia suddenly said, "Doyle thought Angel was attractive." Xander's head snapped back so quickly, she thought he might have pulled something. "What?"

Cordelia nodded, but then amended, "Well, actually, he thought when Angel walked away, coat billowing out behind him, it was attractive."

Xander hunched forward, wrapping his arms loosely around his knees. There was no way he was going to tell Cordelia, but he remembered the first time he'd seen Angel, at the Bronze, talking to Buffy. He'd griped to Willow that Buffy hadn't told them Angel was attractive. He hadn't told Willow, but he had been attracted to Angel when he first saw him. And then he'd realized that _Buffy_ was attracted to him also, and that had made Xander even more jealous of the guy. "Could we please talk about something else? Please?"

Cordelia sighed, trying to think of something else. Finally she said, "Well, if it's any consolation, I don't hold a grudge against you for sucking face with Willow anymore."

Xander looked at her as if she were deranged. "Uh... thanks... I think."

Cordelia tossed her hair, leaning toward him slightly. "We obviously weren't meant to be. I mean, if you hadn't cheated on me with some girl... eventually, it would have been some guy."

Xander shut his eyes, just short of grimacing. He finally remarked, "You have _the_ most peculiar way of comforting me." He looked back at her and Cordelia merely grinned widely at him. After a moment, Xander found himself responding with a smile of his own.

* * *

The sight that greeted Angel and Wesley as they entered the hotel later that night wasn't what they expected; Xander lay on the register counter on his side, facing away from them, his head propped up in his hand. The sound of Cordelia's voice indicated that she was still sitting behind the register counter, watching the phones. Angel was about to announce their presence, when he heard what they were talking about.

"And that's a Vorash demon."

"Gah! What is it with demons and spikes? They all look like some sort of dinosaur!"

"Vampires don't have spikes," Cordelia pointed out. "They have the bumpy foreheads, but no spikes... unless you count their teeth..."

"Yeah, but vampires aren't demons."

"What? Hello? You know as much about vampires as I do, Xander! They are demons."

"Actually, if you wanna get technical, they're not. The demon _controls_ the vampire, but technically, they're possessed."

"And how did you come up with this theory?"

"You know a vampire makes another vampire by feeding blood to a dying human, right? Well, the tainted blood does something, I don't know, but it makes the human body receptive to the vampire demon. It kinda weakens its defenses so the demon can possess it, kicking the soul out. The forehead and teeth are just the... manifestation of the demon. Why couldn't I have thought of that while I was freaking out when Wesley said the 'aspect of the demon'?"

"'Cause you're forever making a fool of yourself? And how do you know so much about possession versus demons, anyway?"

"Sophomore year, our field-trip to the zoo? I ended up being possessed by a hyena spirit."

"Nuh-uh! I don't remember that!"

"That's 'cause you were still living in your own little world. Remember Principle Flutie being eaten by wild dogs?"

"Yeah--Oh, God. You didn't..."

"No! No, not me! Kyle and the others. I was locked up in Giles' cage 'cause I'd tried to mate with... err, never mind."

"Didn't our mascot get eaten that same day?"

"Well, yeah. I was part of that -- but I had _nothing_ to do with Principle Flutie!"

"You _ate_ a _live_ pig?! Eeew!! That's gross, Xander! I can totally see you in a pack with hyenas, though. So, who all was in this 'hyena' group?"

"Well, most of the bullies - the ones that got transferred later on. Kyle DuFours, Rhonda Kelley, Tor Hauer and Heidi Barrie."

"Oh, I remember them. They were jerks. So, what, you took orders from Kyle? He was the leader, wasn't he?"

"Heh, actually... I was the leader."

"What?"

"Yeah, it was weird, but... see, hyenas are pack animals, so it's more a group than a 'ruler and servants' sorta deal. We worked together. But... I was the one who decided things."

"Were you really?" Wesley couldn't help but asking. The new voice startled Xander, and he tried to lean back to see who all was there. He tilted his head back too fast, however, and went crashing three feet to the floor. "Oh, God..." he moaned, staring up at the high ceiling from the position he'd landed in on his back.

"Xander!" Cordelia cried, leaning over the counter to look at him worriedly. "Are you alright?"

"Ask me when I can feel my legs again."

Wesley and Angel had rushed over to him, and Angel leaned slightly over his head, looking upside down to Xander. "Can you move?"

"Pssh!" Xander said, waving a hand as if to brush the question aside. "I've been a Slayerette for five years, I've had a lot worse things happen to me." He winced as he tried to sit up. "None of them are coming to mind, though. I think I bruised my spine -- can you do that?"

Cordelia glared down at Wesley from over the register counter. "You could have told us you were here! You don't just _say_ something and surprise people like that!"

"I'm very sorry," Wesley apologized to Xander, who was now sitting up gingerly with Angel's help. "I didn't mean to startle you, it was just... you were the pack leader?"

Xander stared at Wesley incredulously. "How long were you listening?"

Slightly abashed, Wesley said, "Long enough to hear your theory on vampire demons possessing human bodies."

Xander sighed, allowing Angel to take hold of his arm and help him to slowly stand up. He winced as he tried to straighten his back. "Wow. I think I really did bruise my spine. Yeah, I was the 'pack leader'. So?"

"Well, it's just interesting..." Wesley trailed off, unaware for a moment that everyone was watching him. "Wes?" Xander asked. "What's interesting about it?"

"Oh! Er, well, hyenas are matriarchal. That is to say, they're led by females."

Xander glared at Wesley crossly. "So, what? This is just another sign I should have realized something was wrong with me?" he asked caustically. He didn't know why he was suddenly so upset with Wesley. They guy hadn't meant to frighten him off the counter. "Sorry I never paid attention. Besides, if I was possessed by a female hyena-spirit, how do you explain my trying to 'mate' with Buffy? Ow!" Xander cried, turning instinctively toward the pain in his arm -- only to see Angel's stony face staring down at him. Angel's hold above his elbow, which had been just enough to steady Xander on his feet, was now a painful grip that Xander wouldn't be surprised to find was bruising his arm. He didn't say anything, however -- the look on Angel's face was enough of a warning that he'd said too much already. Now he remembered why he tended to stay quiet when he was angry: speaking up usually led to bruises.

Wesley cleared his throat, trying to dissipate the building tension. It just wouldn't do to have Angel angry at Xander. "Xander? Angel and I need to speak to you -- privately," he added, noticing Cordelia perk up at the words.

Xander glanced from Wesley's face to Angel's and knew that whatever it was, it was serious. Fun-time was over. He silently followed the two into the private office.

* * *

Bum-bum-bumm! **Next Chapter: After some miscommunication between Wesley and Xander, Angel's idea is revealed!** Also, if any of you are still guessing on the pairing, that will be revealed as well. I think I've hinted so much that you should be able to tell who Xander's going to be with, but it's pretty obvious to me, since I'm the author and I've always known. Please review and tell me what you think!

BTW, I do have an explanation as to why Xander tried to mate with Buffy. The hyena-spirit, although being female, recognized that the body it was in was male, and Buffy was a suitable counterpart, simple as that.


	6. The Plan

**A/N:**First of all, I have to give credit to my beta, Dora, who inspired this entire scene. She's been a wonderful source of inspiration for all of this story, and I know if I didn't have her wonderful critiques, I wouldn't have even gotten this far into the story. 

Alright, for all of you who have been wondering what the pairing is, I'll tell you now, so you don't get half-way through the story, then decide to quit reading. I can promise you though, there won't be a lot of fluffy, happy feelings in here, and no sex--PG-13 only, and lots of angst. The pairing is Angel/Xander, and it's explained in this chapter why that's the only workable solution. I suggest you read this chapter **before** flaming me, telling me it will never work, I'm stupid, etc. I've had this planned out for almost a year, a few people telling me they hate it ain't gonna make me stop. So :6

**Warning:**This part contains a couple **_explicit_** mentions of _homosexual behavior_. If you've made it this far, it probably shouldn't bother you, but... just in case, I'm warning you. ^_^ 

[_words here_] = thoughts/inner voice (I tend to write people's thoughts anyway, but this is just... anything that's in first-person.)

* * *

Xander seated himself in the same chair he'd occupied the previous times they'd discussed his predicament. Hopefully, the news Wesley had now would be better than on those other occasions. Angel had said earlier that he'd come up with an idea, maybe that was what this was about. Why else would the vampire be permitted into the private conversation, when Cordelia hadn't been?

Wesley leaned back against his desk, supporting his weight on his arms. He didn't want to be sitting with an obstacle separating him from Xander when he delivered his news. He glanced over to where Angel had perched himself in the client's chair beside Xander's. He was rather nervous about this whole thing, and he still wasn't sure how Angel had convinced him he should be the one to tell Xander about their plan. Of course, Angel was technically his employer, and could force him to do it, but Angel would never do that.

[_Oh, no,_] a sarcastic voice muttered in his head. [_Why would Angel force you to do anything, when most of the time, all he has to say is 'jump' and you ask 'how high?' on the way up._] Ah, yes, that was how Angel had convinced him - merely by turning on the charm. _"Wes,"_ he'd said in that ingratiating voice he got when he was about to wheedle Wesley into something the younger man would never normally agree to. _"I think you should tell Xander about this whole thing."_ When he'd started to sputter in protest, Angel had continued, _"Come on, Wes. You know Xander - he's not too fond of me, never has been. Coming from me, he won't even hear me out before he rejects it. But you,"_ here his voice turned into honey, the voice Wesley was sure Angelus had used to lure pretty virgins to their demise, like lambs to the slaughter, docile and acquiescent. He had been no different, come to that. _"You have his trust, and you have a diplomacy that I just... don't. You know me -- hit first, ask questions later. You're the talker, Wes. You can get him to listen to you."_

So, here he was, a nervous wreck, trying to think of the words Angel was so sure he could use to make Xander listen to him and agree to the plan. He cleared his throat, suddenly wishing for some water. Or, more preferably, something much stronger. "Er, Xander." He stopped, took a breath, and started again. "Xander, Angel and I... well, Angel, has come up with a sound plan to help you with your... situation." Why was this so hard? He'd had no real trouble talking to Xander about his demon aspect (though on a few occasions he'd thought he'd have acquired a permanent blush from reading about said demons themselves). Perhaps it was all the flashes of images his brain kept feeding him, now that he knew just how Xander was going to deal with his problem. Wesley cleared his throat abruptly again, looking down and pulling his glasses off to clean them on his shirt.

"Oh, God," Xander moaned, staring worriedly at Wesley's glasses. When Wesley looked up, Xander met his gaze and said, "Giles always does that, before he says there's gonna be another apocalypse. That's his 'I-have-bad-news-and-don't-know-how-to-tell-you' gesture."

Wesley sighed as he replaced his glasses. He was being silly, really. He was frightening Xander, and that was _not_ the reason Angel had asked [_coerced_] him into doing this. "Xander, it's not that horrible. Erm... I'm not sure how to put this. Angel's thoughts on this -- and I concur -- are that vampires, well, they have, er, more stamina, when dealing with... this sort of thing, they can... last longer... Also, they're stronger, so they would be able to withstand any sort of... physical display of anger, shown against them. In essence, I really believe that a vampire is the solution to your--"

"No." Xander's face was stony and determined, his voice cold and unyielding. "No, there is _no_ way that's happening." He stood up, unable to contain his agitation. "I mean, how could you even suggest--? It's insane, and I won't do it!" He was waving his arms slightly haphazardly in large, exaggerated gestures, to show how against the idea he was.

"I get it," Angel finally spoke up. "You don't wanna sleep with me."

Xander stopped mid-rant, his arms held frozen in the air. He turned his head to look at Angel and asked in confusion, "What? Who said anything about sleeping with you?"

It was Angel's turn to look confused. "That's... what Wes was getting at. What did you think he..." belatedly, Angel went over Wesley's explanation and realized just what Xander had thought was being said. Failing to hold back a smile, Angel asked, "You thought we were gonna turn you, didn't you?"

Xander took offense at Angel's amusement, and responded vehemently, "Well, that's sure what it sounded like! And why are you laughing? You want me to sleep with you?!" The last came out as more of a yelp, as the rest of what was being said fully penetrated Xander's thought processes.

The amusement drained out of Angel's features. "It makes sense, Xander. You know the facts as well as I do. Succubi need to draw energy from men during the sex act, and the longer the man lasts, the more energy the succubus gets. Wesley just explained it to you: vampires have more stamina than humans, so they can draw the, the sex out longer. You'll be getting more energy, and if you do show some violent tendencies, you won't have to feel guilty about hurting an innocent -- it'll just be me, and I don't really qualify, do I?"

Xander frowned at those last words, ducking his head and refusing to look at either man. Sure, he'd never liked Angel, had in fact gone out of his way to be a royal pain in the ass to him. But... that didn't give him an excuse to abuse him, should he show any violent signs -- which Xander was sure he would, considering the background he came from. He knew he could be a nasty sonofabitch when he felt like it, so the tendency was already there, the demon would just draw it to the surface. Angel might not be innocent, but that didn't mean he had any right to hurt the guy.

But Xander wasn't about to tell Angel that. He protested against another aspect of this plan of theirs. "I think you're neglecting something. Sure, this all sounds good on paper, but the fact of the matter is, you want me to sleep with you. Which means have sex with you. You want me to have gay _sex_ with you, and I am so _totally_ against that."

Angel retorted wryly, "You're gonna have to have gay sex with someone, Xander. Who would you rather it be with: me, who'll at least try to make it as... comfortable as possible, or some random guy from a bar, who won't give a toss if you're a virgin or not?"

Xander kept his blushing at bay by sheer force of will. Fine, okay, Angel had a point, which he was never going to admit out loud, but still! This was _Angel_ here. Buffy's Angel. [_Buffy._] That was it. "How do you expect to pull off this great sexcapade of yours, if you can't have sex without losing your soul?"

"Actually," Wesley interjected uneasily, clearing his throat, "that's what we were out checking on earlier. It seems it's not just sex that Angel can't have. It's--"

"Buffy," Angel said dully, glancing off to the side morosely.

Wesley shrugged uncomfortably, but nodded. "In essence, yes. What Angel had with Buffy was... naïve, and innocent. Virginal, if you will. It was... a consummation of all their love, a love they knew was shared and reciprocated, and..." Wesley shrugged again. "Well, to continue with the analogy, one can never regain his virginity, his innocence. Angel won't lose his soul, should he choose to have sex again, and certainly not if he doesn't love his partner as he did Buffy." No one spoke, but the words hung heavy in the air around them.

__

He'll never love anyone the way he loved Buffy.

* * *

**Next Chapter:**...I have no idea. I'm still working on the next chapter, so... it'll be a while. I've explained what's happening/going to happen to Xander, so... I have to figure out how to segue into the next part of my epic story. There will be more, though! 


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